Shadow of Doubt
by KuragariRyu
Summary: Kurama's gone, and Hiei has to deal with it. Of course, Yaoi is involved. Rating for some suicidal talk. From Hiei's POV. Please R/R.


Alright, this is really my first song fic. I want your opinion, so be truthful. Flames are accepted, but they'll be used to roast marshmallows. This fic does involve yaoi. You have been forewarned.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
I walk silently down the cold, dark streets of the ningen town; The same town I've grown to know, through the gentle yet forceful pushing and pulling that has helped to manipulate me over time, by none other than those closest to me. Why I choose this time at night to walk these streets, even I do not know. If I am correct, it's nearly eleven by ningen standards. I can't help but stride down this memory-filled street. It draws me here, gently tugging at what once was my heart.   
  
I needn't be here, really. I shouldn't, for that matter. I just had to come.. For the memories. You see, it was my fault. It always has been my fault.. What, may you ask? It's simple. The one thing my subconscious mind has feared, though I've never come out with the courage to admit it; Kurama's death.   
  
~Spend all your time waiting  
  
For that second chance,  
  
For a break that would make it okay..  
  
There's always some reason,  
  
To feel not good enough,  
  
And it's hard at the end of the day..~  
  
It was true, yet I refused to believe it at first. That stubborn fox let his kindness get the better of him, and in the end, it killed him. I killed him. Because, you see, he died as a last attempt to save my life. In a way, he succeeded, but in a way, he never could have succeeded. Yes, my life was spared, but I've been dead for years. I've been dead since the fateful day I was born, and cast out over the edge of a cliff by the scornful Koorime. Since that day, I grew up an assassin; a nomad thief.   
  
I hated all Koorime, and vowed to return and place the well-deserved revenge on their race. And I did return. The race itself was already dying, and I left with no blood on my hands, only the knowledge that my family wasn't dead; I had a sister, who was looking for me.   
  
It was then that I sought out a Surgeon who could perform the dangerous and painful operation to implant the very useful Jagan eye. I found a capable surgeon, and the operation was done. The price? The only thing I had from my birth- A tear gem shed by my own mother. But the eye would help me find my sister, and thus I agreed.   
  
It was then that I met that fox. Mistaking him for a demon I was hunting down, I attacked him. I regret that fight for so many reasons.. I was injured in the fight, and he took me home to nurse me. I left after that, and met him again a year later, insisting he help steal three artifacts. I was in love with that fox... But now he's gone.  
  
And it's my fault.  
  
~I need some distraction..   
  
Oh, beautiful release.   
  
Memories seep from my veins.   
  
Let me be empty..   
  
Oh, weightless then maybe   
  
I'll find some peace tonight~  
  
That's why I'm walking these lonely streets at this time. My face is still moist with newly cried tears, which I'm still ashamed of. After all that time of teaching my eyes not to cry, they finally disobey. It's a sinking feeling that I fear will never go away. I fear my eyes will never be dry again.  
  
~In the arms of the angel..   
  
Fly away, from here.   
  
From this stark old hotel room,   
  
And the endlessness that you fear~  
  
I am truly afraid this time.. Kurama had always been there, no matter what the situation. Never again will that cheerful smile be waiting. Never will I once again be able to look into those emerald hued eyes. It's all over.. Which brings me to question my being here tonight. The streets are empty, and it is silent; aside from the very annoying, constant barking of a neighborhood dog. I would take the time to kill the source of the persistent barking, but I have other things on my mind.   
  
~You are pulled from the wreckage,   
  
Of your silent reverie.   
  
You're in the arms of the angel,   
  
May you find, some comfort here~  
  
It saddens me to say that I can't take it anymore. Death has never been a problem for me, but never has it been more inviting. Death has never worried me before; When it was my time, I wouldn't struggle. But now.. The only way to see him again.. To see those emerald eyes, that loving smile. To finally be released from the unending pain Kami-sama has bestowed apon me, and only me. To finally be... free..  
  
All the pain has been welling up inside for so long, and that's just how it stayed; inside. I should have been smarter. I should have known that keeping it inside would be the end of me. But I was a fool.. A stubborn fool who couldn't keep a sincere friend around for the life of him. I was cold.. Merely masking my true self from any who would use it as a weakness against me. Perhaps I didn't have emotions at all? Perhaps it wasn't a mask? But now..  
  
It's over..  
  
~I'm so tired of the straight line,   
  
And everywhere you turn,   
  
There's vultures and thieves at your back.   
  
The story keeps on twisting,   
  
Keep on building the lies,   
  
That you make up for all that you lack~  
  
That's why I have to escape. You see, I can't take it anymore. I've been broken by the one thing that I've tried to hide several times; emotions. I give in, after all that time. It would be impossible to live with the fact that I killed him; The only one I truly loved and trusted with all my 'heart,' I killed, almost as easily as I killed anyone before. I cannot live with that fact.   
  
It is now that I reach it- The ningen home of the very same fox yokai that I so easily had lost. Of course, at this time of night, no one was awake. There weren't any lights on, and all was quiet. Kurama had always tried to get me to know his Ningen mother, as reluctant as I was.. Right now, she would be sleeping. Part of me wished I could somehow apologize to her. Apologize for letting her lose her eldest son. But I cannot do that; It isn't in me.   
  
I walk up the sidewalk to the front door, standing in silence. I cannot help but trace my hand over the door, feeling new tears springing to my already reddened eyes. When the house was empty, he would invite me over. Most of the time I would simply sit in the window of his bedroom, cleaning my katana while he tried engaging in conversation. Never again..  
  
~It don't make no difference..   
  
Escape one last time.   
  
It's easier, to believe.   
  
In this sweet madness,   
  
Oh this glorious sadness,   
  
That brings me to my knees~  
  
I have to leave this place. With that, I hastily turn and head off down the sidewalk again. I have to get.. somewhere. Anywhere. My disappearance would not be noticed- Yusuke and the others would just think I left. Perhaps on another mission. It's not unlike me to come and go as I please. And therefore there would be no need for them to panic.. Thus I walk down this still dark street, knowing that these are my last visions. They would be my last steps on solid land, and all in the ningen world. This is the only thing that sickens me about it all. But I haven't another choice.  
  
With one last glance back at the house, I am gone, disappearing into the night. I'd make sure they wouldn't be able to find a trace of this already scarred soul..   
  
~In the arms of the angel..   
  
Fly away, from here.   
  
From this stark old hotel room,   
  
And the endlessness that you fear.   
  
You are pulled from the wreckage,   
  
Of your silent reverie..   
  
You're in the arms of the angel,   
  
May you find, some comfort here~ 


End file.
